32. A Man as an Island

I know I said I'd tell the story of how Debbie was punished for doing the right thing and marrying me. But I am so profoundly melancholic that I need to let it out.

I miss her so. I sit here in silence. I watch TV and have no one to discuss the show with. I miss her questions. I miss her comments. I miss her smile.

I watch the sun go down and it has no meaning; nay, it's meaning is much to clear. One more day since she died. One more day closer to my own demise. One more day of silence. It's unbearable. I had the partner of my life. She balanced me. Now I am Yin without Yang.

My life has lost all meaning. My life is no longer my own; it belongs to my boys. I am happy when they are happy. I am proud when they do well. But I am so empty inside. I feel nothing but despondency. Oh Lord, to smile, truly smile again. To feel joy from within. To achieve equilibrium.

I've cried so much and so often, I'm surprised my eyes haven't melted. I wish I could go with her. I love her so. Without her, I am dead already, inside. Sweet Jesus, why could it not have been me? Why her? I'm so alone...

I wish I had someone to console me. I wish I had someone to hold me, a shoulder to cry on. Someone who knew her and me as us. But I have no one. Everyone in my family thinks I'm a wimp. My sister in NJ, my mother, my cousins... My neighbors torture me daily. I'm at the bottom of a pit with no way out. Not good.