10. Let's Lighten the Mood a Little

Okay, so you got it so far. I'm miserable, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, horny, disorganized, unsure of myself, self-esteem shot to hell, confidence destroyed and a host of other crap that would fill a therapist's datebook.

But there are good times I can tell you about. While sailing the stormy Seas of Oblivion, it was hard to see through the Mists of Despair and recognize the shores of the Isles of Joy, especially when the charts and instruments were washed overboard. It was not even possible to take a celestial reading, as the stars were obscured by the storm clouds. But I digress...

On our first trip to Puerto Rico (Otilio was 6 months old, Ramiro had not been born yet), Debbie was flabbergasted at what bad drivers Puerto Ricans are. And I'd tell her, "You ain't seen NUTHIN' yet babe!" I had gone to PR every year since I was a child, and I have seen some pretty horrific accidents over that time. Well, one night we're driving back to Arecibo from Aguadilla (Aguadilla is in the northwest corner of the island; Arecibo is to the east, on the coast, about a third of the way to San Juan), when we see up ahead, at a highway intersection, a small car makes a hard left against the light and gets T-boned by another car going west. Panic erupts as people run out of their houses screaming, waving their hands in the air (you know how we Ricans do) because they realize the people in both cars are residents of the neighborhood. Pandemonium. Deb and I look at each other. We have to help.

We stop the car and pull over to the side. Otilio is strapped into the baby seat, sound asleep. We lock the door. Running across the lanes, we put down flares and reflectors. In all the emotional panic, no one thought to call 911. Remember, the year is 1995, and not too many people had cell phones then. The ones that were available only had 1 hour of talk time and were the size of a brick. But we had 'em! All the passengers got out of the car that was the strike-er. The strike-ee car was T-boned and bent 'round, but no one was trapped. There was a woman in the back seat, however, who was in pain and could not move her neck. We told her to be still; I was on the phone with 911 (Puerto Rican style) arguing with the operator because I did not know the exact location of the accident. I finally shouted to her, "¡Pendeja! Manda una patrulla desde Aguadilla a Arecibo. Cuando ves un choque, ¡allí estamos!" "Asshole! Send a patrol car from Aguadilla to Arecibo. When you see a car accident, there we are!"

Meanwhile, we are trying to keep the injured woman from moving; her neck injury could lead to a spinal problem, and she needed to be immobilized. Debbie and I try to keep people from pulling her out of the car. "¡Los paramédicos están en el camino! Si la mueves, se pondrá peor!" "The paramedics are coming! If you move her she could get worse!" All of a sudden, the woman's sister shows up, climbs in the car crying, and tries to hug her! I start screaming: "¡No la mueves! ¡Saca esa muchacha! ¡Sacala, sacala!" "Don't move her! Get that woman out of here! Get her out, get her out!" I didn't want this girl to be paralyzed!

Finally, an ambulance shows up. But where is the driver? The crowd looks around, and we see this little Cantinflas-looking guy, reminded me of Nature Boy from Bugs Bunny. He's wearing a white lab coat and all, but walking in and out of the crowd, trying to lose himself in the commotion. The crowd grabs him and pushes him forward. "Good, you're here! She needs to be immobilized before you put her on the stretcher." "I can't do that." "Why not?" You have to wait for the paramedics." "And who the hell are YOU?" "I just drive the ambulance!"

You see the commercials for Puerto Rico USA, but PR is still very much a third world country. You call for a paramedic, and they send a Domino's Pizza delivery guy! Two cop cars pull up. Thank God. But we are up in the mountains, and the police radios don't work! So what do they do? THEY BORROW MY CELL PHONE! Now we hear a God-forsaken scream of the screech of tires. All those flashing lights and flares and reflectors, and some prick-head in a pimped out van sees NONE of this and almost plows into the crowd! Stupid spic drivers!

Another car pulls up. It's a Puerto Rican guy from the Bronx with his wife, on vacation in PR. And they both just happen to be paramedics! They even have some gear in their rent-a-car! I get my cell phone back; they check the victim, relay the vitals to me, and I relay them to 911. Deb is doing crowd control, keeping people away from the crash. Otilio is still asleep in the car seat. Where are the cops? Why, having donuts of course! And Nature Boy the Pizza guy? We had to save him from being lynched, because the crowd was angry that this guy didn't even know how to use a band-aid and he was the first to show up!

The paramedic couple is working on the victim. A fire brigade with PROPERLY trained medical personnel finally shows up. I retrieve my cell phone, my wife and baby, and we pull off.

"So, Deb, wanna get a drink?"

"Rum and Coke, please!"