18. I Am Unbelievably Stupid

I have the social skills of a hand grenade. You know that new brit movie, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People?" It's a documentary on my life.

I tried to be funny and ended up deeply insulting someone I care about. She says she accepts my apology, but I know I have irreparably damaged our relationship, a relationship I was hoping might grow into... something. Damn, I am such an asshole! I am really good at fucking things up. I should join Al Qaida. The whole thing would implode like a light bulb at the bottom of the Puerto Rico Trench.

I am the opposite of King Midas. Everything I touch turns to mud. It's a miracle my kids haven't burst into flames. I'm a walking fucking mistake.

I had first heard this phrase attributed to William Shakespeare, but research also attributes it Abraham Lincoln and Samuel Clements, aka Mark Twain:

"Better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

Oh, boy, that's me, brother. I have got to shut the fuck up. Speak only when spoken to, and then very carefully.

Wow. I used to be so confident, so devil-may-care. Now I second-guess every move I make. And rightfully so. If I say water is wet, somebody better check the facts.

I'm shaking over here. I'm not worried about her reading this. She's too busy. I'm pretty sure not too many people are reading anyway. I really don't care anymore. Damn I hate myself. Everything I do I fuck up. Damn, this was important to me. Pendejo. Phemonenally and profoundly stupid. Christ, the last thing I need is another person hating on me. I wish I could just walk off into the desert and disappear. My head is being crushed in a vise. My heart is being squeezed by a gorilla. So fucking stupid stupid stupid. I have got to shut the fuck up. Opening up only brings me pain. Shit, somebody shoot me, and use a really big gun, please.

I wish I could lay down, go to sleep, and not wake up. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, so don't worry about that. Fuck, my hands are shaking! I'm afraid to to do anything because I know I'll fuck it up! So fucking stupid.

Maybe my neighbors and Deb's friends are right about me. If so many people are angry and hateful with me, I've got to be a real fuck-up. Hell, my own family hates me. I'm surprised my own kids don't spit on me.

Depression is some fucked up shit. Few people understand, even if they say they do. Can't think straight. Why fucking bother. Why do I even wake up. I've hurt somebody I care about, again! Why try. Why do I go through this every day. God, I'm dying inside and I wish the rest of me would catch up. So fucking stupid. It should have been me, not Debbie. It should have been me. I'm weak. I deserve to be alone. I never meant to hurt anybody. No wonder all those JWs turned their backs on me. I would have, should have, done the same thing. Disgusting. I wish I could go insane. That world has got to be better than the one I live in now. I can't find work. I can't support my own children. When I do get a project to work on, I end up not getting payed for it anyway. I don't have a pot to piss in, and I have to rent the piss. Garbage. Go away and leave everbody alone. I serve no purpose. How could I have said something so stupid to her. She hates me now, and I don't blame her. I hate me too. Fucking IDIOT!

This is going to be a long and lonely trip. Embrace it. Swim in it. Make love to it. Inhale it. Be one with the madness.

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead. Just haven't had the good sense to lay down. Goddamn, I'm stupid!