9. So Lonely...

3/22/08 9:52 PM

Forgive me but I must vent.

I had back spasms for the past 3 days. Today I could not move. Nothing done. No laundry, messy house, can hardly stand. How can I do this alone? She took care of me. Am I spoiled? I needed her. Who will take care of me now? I have no one.

If one more person says to me "you're not alone, you have the boys", I will slap them into next week. Without going into detail, I made Otilio cry with all the responsibilities and chores I gave him today because I could not move. He was crying and said "Papi, I'm only 12!" A wake up call that really made me feel like shit. I need a companion. I cannot make love to my sons (hold all wise-ass remarks). I cannot converse with them or confide in them on an equal level. Yes, they are my companions, but the are my charges first. How many times can I talk about SpongeBob and Dragonball Z?

With Debbie I felt young. Now I feel so old. Some foxy supermodel types moved down the hall from me. Stunning chicks, partying late into the night. Across the hall from them, some Limey Brit moved in too. I never used to care. Now I am envious and sometimes angry. They are so free. Even married with kids, I felt a degree of freedom. Now I feel shackled and imprisoned.

I'm so crazy for companionship, I'm ready to study with those oh-so-whacky Jehovah's Witnesses. I have no intention of being baptized into their little cult. I have been too open-minded and tolerant of others' beliefs to turn my back on my beliefs and accept their dogma. I have no use for dogma. A man's actions determine his final judgment, not his lip service. No one can ever make me believe otherwise. Besides, If I need a blood transfusion, I don't care if it's lizard blood or horse piss, pump me up!

No man is an island. Solitude can be murder. I stare at the walls and the floor and watch the hours and days slip by. Not fulfilling at all. She found solace in her faith. She found happiness in her religion. But to thine own self be true. I have my own mind. No elder or clergyman who is just as fallible as I, whose farts smell just as rosy, who eats when hungry just like me, will ever control me or convince me he has a direct line to Jehovah God Allah Buddha Jesus Chango or whatever name you want to assign to the Creator and Source of All Things. Besides, if I joined the JWs, they'd disfellow my tolerant ass in about a week.

Think of this irony. I must be the only person on the planet who WANTS a bible study but can't get one! Every one else heads for the hills when the JWs come around on Saturday mornings. I set myself on fire to grab their attention and invite them in, but they're not interested. I'm told to go to my wife's former congregation and ask for a study. My response is, you people hassle strangers at home, you go to crack houses and brothels and prisons, and you plant yourselves by the subway turnstiles. Why cant you drag your magazine-pushing asses my way? I'll tell you why. THEY WANT THE TRUTH, THEY WANT THE TRUTH, BUT THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! And the truth is, you don't have to be a JW to get God's grace. You just have to be a good person. By their logic, a bad JW can get grace, but a good Santero cannot. Sorry, Charlie. Can't buy that load. Besides, some of the stories Debbie told me leads me to believe that JWs can be just as freaky as the rest of us. But if it will alleviate my solitary confinement, I will study with them. At least for as long as they can handle me. Some of these JW chicks are cute, and religious girls and minister's daughters (finish the thought yourself).

I don't want to be alone. I want a wife at my side. A companion with whom to face the world. Someone to grow old with and love and be loved. Someone who will love my kids and whom my kids will love. Someone to take care of me, and whom I can take care of.

Right now, I still feel like shit.