1/1/08 6:03 PM
Night is the hardest part. Knowing I have no one to lay down with. Knowing that I have no one to awaken with. I put a good face for the boys, but when I go in the hall, my soul splits and peels! Oh God, she died at 5:45am, in the dark, in my hands. I can't shut my eyes. I'm afraid to take a sleeping pill in case the guys need me. I'm like something out of Shakespeare; I keep getting up at The Appointed Hour, and just stand in the darkness, looking at my boys, weeping uncontrollably. The SU crew remembers me with some "notoriety". You have to understand, that for several years after my father died, I had "re-evaluated" what I wanted out of life... and could not find it. Until she walked in. I swear, I thought I would die alone, that no woman would want me, that I'd never have children. 2 out of 3. She wanted me. She gave me children. Yet, I shall still die alone. I know, I have the boys, but without my partner, my soul mate, my gift from God, I am incomplete. I am alone in my thoughts and in my heart. Oh God, I wish I was better to her. Oh God, I wish I had done more for her. She did so much for me. Oh God, forgive me! The greatest sin in my life was not appreciating her enough. Oh how can I forgive myself when I hurt and disappointed so many people, especially her. I want my booby back! I can't believe I watched her die. I froze; mouth to mouth or CPR? I just couldn't clear her airways fast enough. I should've called 911 sooner. Something! Good Lord, there’s a dagger the size of an oak tree in my heart, slowly twisting.
1/5/08 2:16 PM
Dacyl, we've not seen each other for so long. For you to do this thing for me is greatly appreciated. Oh cherish each moment with your love. Remember when you fight over stupid things that they are stupid things. Regret is a horrible thing to live with.
Kim... when we met at the barbecue, I pitied you (not the word I wanted to use) for your loss, and I admired your strength. Look at me now... I don't want to hold a pity party; I know the boys need me and come above all else. But I have to think about me, too. I'm scared. I was incomplete and she made me whole. She shared my thoughts; she shared my pillow. We agreed and disagreed. We laughed and we fought. We loved the simple moments. The four of us lying in bed together, like a pride of lions, watching the Simpsons or Spongebob (She loved that little gay sponge). A walk along the river; a drive to nowhere. Oh God, I am Yin without Yang. I am afraid to grow old alone, without a companion.
I intend to move to Brooklyn by June. I'll put away the Debbie's benefits for the boys until then and buy a used car. I am in the apartment where I was born and raised (hey, a rent control apt. in Soho? Where am I gonna go?). But now this place feels like a coffin. Every time I get a cup of OJ I have to step on the place where she died. I gotta get the fuck outa here.
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