21. To Know Another

4/1/08 8:34 AM

I guess that's not ever gonna be possible for me, is it?

I had mine, now she's gone. I cannot date, unless she
wants to meet for lunch. Anyways, what woman would
want a piece of garbage like me? Debbie saw something
in me worthwhile, enough for her to sacrifice her
religion, her friends, her health and her life for us.
I deserve to be punished for not being better to her.
But I loved her with all my essence. I truly did.
I'm sorry I'm such a fuck-up.

I was a little... interested... in someone. But my
passion and desire, as it was in the far past, are
tsunami-like and I got shot down, pushed away,
whatever you call it. My sweet Debbie. I never
thought I would ever be in this position again. I had
my wife, and I was content. I have no rap. I don't
know how to talk to women. I am so frail, rejection
would destroy me slowly. I'll never find another.
She chose me.

I'm no good. I destroyed her. I hurt so many. I
took their mami away. Oh, but I loved her so much.
So much. I wish I were dead.



4/1/08 9:17 AM

(This is an e-mail to June; the Reunion was held at her house.)

I died when she died. I wish I had brought her to
your home, with Ramiro. I am so stupid. I am going
to die alone. No woman would want a mess like me.
What do I have to offer? Eternal Love? Undying
Devotion? Pure Loyalty? These things are
meaningless. So very very few would even look my way.
I am poor. I have no material goods. I begin anew,
and alone. I am 46. I never felt old before. Nay, I
felt YOUNG with her. Now I feel ancient, ready for
eternal sleep. No more love. No more sex. I go
through the perfunctory motions of life without
living. Time? Meaningless. My life is over. No
more living. Just mere existence, like moss or a
lichen or a virus. Yes, I am a virus, on the edge of
existence. I cannot look at our photos. I cannot
hear music. I cannot smile. Laughing is like lifting
bricks. Such pain, No one should know the pain I
know. I know there are many in worse condition than
I. But all I know is what I know. I can't look at
women. I wonder. What can I say? I am nothing. Will
I ever laugh again? Will I ever love again? Will I
ever be loved again? The answer I keep coming up with
is "NO". Somebody shoot me.

Chico is dead.