17. A Letter to My Wife

3/29/08 12:58 PM

My dearest Debbie:

I always wanted you to know how much I loved you. Remember how I would tell you so often that you'd say "OK, you are now officially creeping me out!" I guess I always knew in the back of my head that every moment I spent with you might be my last, and I wanted my last words to you to be I Love You. So I would tell you. I love you more than my own life. I love you more than the air I breathe. I love you more than all the stars in heaven. You are my greatest love. Before you, I did not know how to love.

But I also told you that the day you die would be the day I die. And I wanted it so. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to hold your hand in old age and slip off into the Lord's embrace with you. Alas, that was not to be. I regret deeply arguing with you that last argument, over something so stupid as knocking a Nintendo controller on the floor... again. I begged you to forgive me, and, as usual, you did. I am grateful God allowed us to make love one last time.

One of the things I love most about you was how the world was always fresh and new to you. You could watch the same episode of SpongeBob or the Simpsons or South Park, and still guffaw like it was the very first time you ever saw it. Your laughter was like silver bells ringing on a summer breeze. And to hear you laugh with the children... that sound alone made me feel blessed... and unworthy. I owe you so much. You saved me from myself.

You shared my interests. You would watch science programs (my favorite) and history, and question me and explore God's relationship with the Universe. Remember when we first saw the Hubble images of a stellar nursery, and marveled that God's creation and science were not mutually exclusive; nay, that science affirmed God's wonder. We would see new discoveries about fossils and dinosaurs, and you would say how, when you met Jehovah, you wanted to ask him why he created and destroyed the dinosaurs. My theory was that He wanted us to be humble, to behold how He created great creatures, superbly adapted, existing for millions of years, only to be reduced to ashes and stone. We are here only hundreds of thousands of years, yet the same fate can befall us but for the grace of God. Dinosaur fossils should remind us of this. Jehovah and Tyrannosaurus Rex in the same conversation. How could I not love you.

Yesterday when we were talking as I was coming from the market, you asked me to forgive you. For what my love? You said for not being a better wife, for not giving me more support. Oh my love, it is you I ask for forgiveness. You were nothing but the best wife and mommy a family could ever ask for. Every ounce of strength you had, you put into the boys. And you did well. You taught them kindness and patience. You gave them a moral compass, an inner sense of what is good and and what is wrong. And you made me a better person. You made me happy, even though I was too blind and foolish to see it until you were gone from my side. You made the world better. No, my heart, there is nothing to forgive you for. You were wonderful. Penance is mine.

Old friends have appeared from the mists of the past. They have helped when I needed help most. Their love and support made me believe truly in karma; Jesus said, Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. June reminded me once of how her car and apartment were broken into, and I offered to move her in my little red Chevette. She reminded me how I refused payment, even refused gas money. All I know is, if I needed help, I would want someone to help me. So I should help others who need it. And now I see karma coming back to me as I never thought it would. Perhaps Jehovah was preparing me. But they came through as I never ever expected. Remember Dana? Of course you do. You were worried about him when he was in Bosnia, and you worried when he was stationed in Iraq. He is getting a new iMac for us, so that I might work from home and work faster and more profitably, as well as be up to date with the latest software. A new lease on life. Tools with which to provide for my family. Feed a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish (and give him a good net!) and you feed him forever. His karma will return to him 10 fold. Such is God's promise.

The boys are well. Ramiro has really stepped up to the plate. Dr. Meyer says he has made great progress, and that Otilio is also doing well. He said I was doing a great job; whether I wanted to believe that was up to me. Miro tries to make me laugh and cheer me up. He even scolds me when I am sad (No more crying! No sad! Happy!). They have your smile, my love, my sweet, my adored one. And they are full of your love.

This is not goodbye my sweet love. We will meet again in God's love. This is See Ya Later. And yes, I will bring juice and milk on my way home.

I love you eternally.