8. Si Tu Supieras... (If Only You Knew...)

The English will come after the Spanish

3/15/08 3:26 PM

Ay Dacyl. Si tu supieras la angustia, la tortura, los dolores que paso cada minuto de mi vida castigada... No puedo concentrar. No puedo dormir. No puedo reir. No puedo sonreir. No puedo comer. Sufro solo. Si no fuera por mis hijos, me ire con ella. AAYYY dolor.... Y yo aqui solo solo solo. Cada sombra, cada hoja, cada movimiento y veo su cara y me siento culpable por su muerte. Debia yo prevenir esto. Debia yo salvarla. Debia yo construir un palacio en los nubes para ella, en vez de este porqueria de apartamento en NYC. Me falta sus besos, sus sonrisas, su amor. Mi cama esta vacia. 22 años. Maldita soledad. Queria ir a la vejez con ella. No quiero morir solo. Suplico a Dios de los ejercitos que me bendice con otra compañera de mi alma, como hizo para Job. El miedo que tengo es horrible. Temo salir de mi casa. El mundo se pone a virar como un bobine, como un tornado. Me mareo. Y lloro lloro lloro como una nena. Lloro cuando ordeno un cheeseburger. Lloro cuando hablo con mis hijos. Se me salen las lagrimas como la cascada de Niagara. Tengo un puñal en mi corazon el tamaño de un 747. Nervioso. Claustrofobico cuando entro al subway.

Oh, Dacyl. If only you knew the anguish, the torture, the pain I experience every minute of my punished life... I cannot concentrate. I cannot sleep. I cannot laugh. I cannot smile. I cannot eat. I suffer alone. If not for my sons, I would go with her. OHHH, pain... And I am here alone alone alone. Every shadow, every leaf, every movement and I see her face and I feel at fault for her death. I should have been able to prevent this. I should have been able to save her. I should have built a palace in the clouds for her, instead of this piece of crap apartment in NYC. I miss her kisses, her smiles, her love. My bed is empty. 22 years. Damned solitude. I wanted to go into old age with her. I don't want to die alone. I beg God Lord of Hosts to bless me with another companion for my soul, like he did for Job. The fear I have is horrible. I am afraid to leave my house. The world starts to spin like a spool of thread, like a tornado. I get dizzy. And I cry cry cry like a little girl. I cry when I order a cheeseburger. I cry when I talk to my sons. The tears flow from me like the cascade at Niagara. I have a dagger in my heart the size of a 747. Nervous. Claustrophobic when I enter the subway.

¿Que vio ella en mi? No tenia nada, y ella me acepto. Solo tengo mi amor, mi dovocion, para ofrecer. No tenia riquezas, ni carros, ni Tommy Hilfiger. Ni lo tengo. Miro al espejo y veo basura. ¿Que vio ella? ¿Que ven ustedes cuando me miren, y ven algo de valor? Yo veo un cobarde, un vago, un arrogante. Estoy hecho al fondo.

What did she see in me? I had nothing, and she accepted me. All I had was my love, my devotion to offer. I had not riches, not cars, not even Tommy Hilfiger. And I don't have these things. I look in the mirror and I see garbage. What did she see? What do all of you see when you look at me, and see something of value? I see a coward, a lazy man, an arrogant man. I am cast to the depths.

¿Que vio ella en mi?

What did she see in me?



3/22/08 9:58 PM

Gracias por tener fé en mi. Debbie tenía fé en mi. Pero yo nunca tenía fe en mi.

Thank you for having faith in me. Debbie had faith in me. But I never had faith in myself.

Es dificil. Me hace falta el olor de café por la mañana. De verdad, ella no podia hacer café en el estilo latino. Cada taza era diferente en sabor; a veces tolerable, a veces horrible, a veces rico. Yo decia que su café era como huelles digitales: cada taza unica y sin igual (I used to call it "fingerprint coffee"!). A veces su café era tan mala que por poco vomito. Me hace falta su café mala.

It is difficult. I miss the smell of coffee in the morning. To tell the truth, she could not make coffee in the Latino style. Each cup was different in flavor; sometimes tolerable, sometimes horrible, sometimes delicious. I used to say that her coffee was like fingerprints; each cup unique and without equal (I used to call it "fingerprint coffee"!). At times her coffee was so bad I almost threw up. I miss her bad coffee.

Algun día me gusteria conocer a otra amor. Ella deseaba eso. No quiero ir a la vejez solo.

One day I would like to meet another love. She would have wanted that. I don't want to go into old age alone.

Oren para nosotros. Estoy tratando den seguir pa'lante, pero todavia lucho con hecharme la culpa por su fallecimiento. Pero si contabas cada granito de arena en toda la tierra, y lo sumabas con cada hoja en todos los bosques, y lo multiplacabas por cada gota de agua en los mares, no acercabas el amor que yo tenia para Mi Cielo.

Pray for us. I am trying to go forward, but I still wrestle with blaming myself for her death. But if you counted every grain of sand on the earth, and you added every leaf in all the forests, and multiplied it by every drop of water in all the seas, it would not even approach the love I had for My Heaven.