4. I wish I could forgive myself...

1/12/08 10:12 AM

You all have been so kind to me and my boys. This is a horrible time for us. The boys are strong, but I don't know if I will ever get over this. I loved my wife Debbie more than sunshine itself. But when I look back on our life together, all I can see are my screw-ups, my selfishness, my ego. I try to think of the good happy things, but what comes to mind is remorse. Remorse for not being a better man, a better husband, a better father. I took the worries of the world onto my shoulders, and lost sight of the bigger picture. I let the frustrations and problems and fears get to me, and I would get cross and angry. When I vented my angers to her, she took it. Later, I'd come back on my knees, begging her forgiveness. She'd hug me and kiss me, and say "I forgive you, stupid!" She was the greatest treasure ever bestowed, and I squandered it. She was Marge to my Homer, Alice to my Ralph Kramden. She stood with me through thick and thin, good and bad, better and worse. Any other woman would have left me long ago. And I told her that. She would say "Do you hear me complaining? I'm not going anywhere." Or "I'm still here, ain't I?"

And now she's gone. Lord forgive me for waisting the greatest gift in the universe.

And you. Old college friends I haven't seen in 25 years. Former employers. New friends. How ironic. You gave me and my boys support. You reached into your pockets for us. The irony? Nobody in my own family sent us even a single dime! When I asked, I was turned down. Wowzers. A guy I worked for for 6 months shows up to the funeral and gives us $200. Not one blood relative of mine showed up. I have 3 sisters, and I have yet to hear from 2 of them. I have grown nieces in New Jersey, but everyone is "too busy" to visit me or let me bring the boys to visit. I have no real family to speak of. She and the boys were my family. With her at my side, I was ready to take on Satan Himself. Now, I'm terrified to go outside. Shadows frighten me.

And I weep and weep and weep. My soul is split asunder. There is a dagger the size of an oak tree in my heart. Everywhere I walk I see her face. Oh I wish I could give myself 100 lashes for every snippy cross moment. She was love incarnate upon the earth, and for some bizarre insane unfathomable reason she chose to love ME! A piece of shit like me. She was a pearl, and I was a swine. I did not deserve her. I did not earn her. I was not worthy of her. And she chose me. I prayed Jehovah to make me worthy of her. I am still not worthy. She made the world OK. Without her, I am lost, and the world is a very scary place.

The Colón Family thanks you all.



1/13/08 9:45 AM

Oh June, you are so wonderful. I wish I could forgive myself. It's just too easy. I need someone to forgive me. I'm a wreck. I have to make time to see someone, but I have to get back to work. The boys come first.

June she was so sweet. I feel like I just let her die. I should have forced her to go to the hospital. Ohhhhhhh this is all my fault! God please forgive me! I fear for my immortal soul because I have offended God. And yet it is not fear for my eternal fate that makes me remoresful. No. I feel true remorse for not making her life better. I can't move forward. I need forgiveness, and it's just too easy to forgive myself. I KNOW she would forgive me. That makes it even harder. My greatest love. I howl at the moon for her. My tears fill the Hudson River for her. My anguish rips the earth like the Grand Canyon. I wish I could FEEL in my heart that I was forgiven. I LOVED HER SO MUCH! And I sooo dreaded this scenario. I always knew one day this might happen. Maybe that was part of my problem. The stress of KNOWING that each second with her could be my last. It was killing me knowing what MIGHT happen. Now it really happened. Oh June... please "hug" me. Hold my hand. I have no partner. I am incomplete. I told her I feared dying alone if something happened to her. She said "don't worry, if something happens to me, I know you'll find someone. I know you will." I'm so scared. Who would have me, with my boys? I got too cozy after 22 years. Now I feel like dust in the wind. With her I could see the future. Now I look forward and see nothing. I wish I knew why you all care about me so much. I love you for it. You see something in me that I don't see. So did she. Ohhh I'm so scared. I'm so alone. Oh why did I not see how happy I truly was? I was happy and thought I wasn't. My heart is ripped to pieces. What a fool I am. Oh God please give me peace. Give my boys peace.

I could sure use some of those self-esteem pills....