I step out of the chronological postings that were leading up to the present day in order to share with you the details of my recent and first attempt at romance that ended in a fiasco. I will try not divulge any clues that could betray the identity of the woman involved, but I have to write this in order to figure out WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?!?! So the next few posts will deal with this issue, while I try to sort all this out.
I fucked up ROYALLY! We are talking Great Pharaoh Ramses II royally. I mean Genghis Khan royally. The Queen of Sheba, Charlemagne, Montezuma, Alfred the Great, Shaka Zulu, Princess Diana, and Solomon himself were PEASANT BUMPKINS compared to the way I royally fucked this up. Please help me do the CSI on this thing so I can figure out how I destroyed something nice (first Debbie, now this; damn, I gotta get those antidepressants somehow! I wanna walk in front of a bus!). 22 years going on 23, out of practice. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.
Let us examine the crime scene...
10/10/08 5:15 PM
Some of you have told me that if I had nothing positive to write, to write nothing at all. To those people, whom I love and respect dearly and deeply, I mean the following in the nicest way possible: fuck you. I will write what I am feeling, and if you can't handle it, don't read it. When I'm shitting flowers and farting lollipops, I'll let ya know.
Not to go into much detail, but my first foray into post-Debbie attempted "romance" has failed miserably. Oh, she's nice and sweet and caring and supporting, and she thinks I am brilliant and witty and funny and dedicated and all that other bullshit, but she just wants to be friends (gag). Hey, when I got 3 unsolicited photos, and she said she'd come visit me (she lives in another state), somehow in my idiocy I got it in my foolish cranium that she might be attracted to me somewhat. Way off base. I guess I could always use another friend. God knows I don't need any more enemies! But I allowed myself to develop feelings for her, and that was a stupid thing to do. Of course I will respect her wishes. I can't fault her for my not being able to control my emotions. Hey, I miss intimacy, I miss cuddling, I miss sex A LOT! But that's no excuse for acting like a love-struck fourteen-year-old. As with most delusions, it was kinda nice to think that someone might actually be into me, even if only for a little while. Que será será. It's really gonna suck going through the rest of this existence in solitude.
Amazing. Karma is a funny thing. Sooner or later, it'll getcha, and bad karma usually comes back before good karma. I broke my share of hearts back in SU. I guess it's payback time. I can't believe I had any girlfriends back then. I know brick piles that have a better rap than I do; I don't even know how to approach a woman, much less talk to one. And reading women's signals? I'm a blind man in a library. No braille.
Nope, not in a happy place yet. I guess I was quite the pendejo for even fantasizing that something might come of this interaction between me and this woman. When you haven't flown in years, and your first solo flight ends in a crash landing, it's difficult to have the confidence and courage to get in the air again. I'm too sensitive, too fragile. I AM. And scared. It took a great deal out of me to even realize that I was developing... sentiments for this woman. And she's not being a tease or anything like that. She's really very nice and just being honest. The fault is mine. I have to be more realistic and realize I have nothing to offer. Oh, yeah, smart witty funny devoted loving sensitive caring and $2.00 gets me on the subway. It seems to me that those qualities are admired, but not desired.
The boys are doing well. Their father is a mess. I'm getting through the day, but the days really have little meaning for me. What good is having positive qualities if you have no one to share them with? At least Narcissus had a mirror.
I hear the sounds of silence so clearly. Every hiss of leaves swaying in the wind, every whirr of rubber tires on asphalt, every chirp, bark, meow and cry of every bird, dog, cat and baby resonates so clearly and deeply, like a lead crystal wine glass being struck with a tuning fork. I can even see the sounds of silence. Every movement, every shadow, every bird's wingbeat seems like time-lapse photography. My emotions well up and overflow like lava from a volcano. I have little control. Every beautiful woman who walks by captures my gaze, and I force myself to look away from her gorgeous cleavage, her lovely legs, her sexy tattoo. I look at feet and sidewalk a lot, and tell myself "Not for you, pal! She wouldn't want you anyway." I have to steel myself for the inevitable rejection, so that it won't hurt so much. That was what I did before Debbie. Now, here we go again. This blows. I won't even try so that that way I do not fail. I was the guy who would struggle all the way across the dance floor, only to be rejected in front of the entire club, then have to dance back across the floor and find a dark corner to hide in, because now that the chick gave me the mark of the Loser, no other girl in the place will give ya the time of year. It would be nice to be desired by someone, to know that someone found me attractive. Keep dreaming.
I remember in Hunter College, every girl I tried to become "involved" with became my friend. They'd say to me, "What wonderful qualities you have! You're going to make some girl very happy one day." "So why can't I make YOU happy?" "Oh you're not my type." Talk about getting your testicles stomped with spiked shoes! I'm so wonderful but I'm not you're fucking type!?!?!?! What is your type, child-molesting, drug-dealing, car-stealing serial rapists? WHAT THE FUCK???
Heavy sigh.
P.S.
Nobody give me any shit about creating negativity or anything like that. These are my feelings and I can't keep them to myself. Even if I am wrong about something (doubt it, though), I need this catharsis.
Like the first tiny crack in a dam's facade, this is only the beginning of what will eventually end up as a catastrophe. Stay tuned for the next episode! Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel!
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