6. Every Leaf, Every Shadow...

3/4/08 10:08 PM

People say I am strong. I sure don't feel it. I feel like I'm gonna lose it any second. People say I'm doing a good job. I make so many mistakes, I forget to do things like laundry or proper grocery shopping. So tired. How do you fight the god-forsaken loneliness? God I wish I could burn out certain portions of my brain. I walk around, and everything is her. To go to the library, I have to pass the kiddie park where she and I took our babies for their first steps. Go to West 4th and pass the McDonalds we always took the kids to. I wish I could leave this place. Every leaf, every shadow. I am so weak. My oldest tries so hard to cheer me up, to make me stronger. He's something special. Even little guy is trying to pull his wieght as best he can.

I started therapy last week.

I hope to laugh again. I hope to live again. I hope to love again



3/7/08 10:32 PM

(Kim had lost her beloved husband to illness. She helped me a great deal.)

You really loved him.

To have a true soulmate is a wonderful thing. So many have so much, yet not love. They marry or pair up for empty reasons, then wonder why it's not working and get divorced. True love; a gift from God.

There was no "romance" in the Gilmore Girl sense. We loved each other. When she gave me the "old tomato" (ultimatum, just a couple of months before we found out she was pregnant), I realized I could not live without her. It would have been like cutting off my own leg. I needed her.

Was it the same for you?

I did something today I hadn't done in years. I went to church.

I walk around reciting the Our Father for strength. On the way to the supermarket I passed by Our Lady of Pompeii. I was a little shaky and went in to calm down. It was the 12 o'clock mass, and as I walked in, the priest was leading the people in reciting the Our Father. Wow.

I can't tell you how uplifted I feel when I get an e-mail from you.