5. Peace is A Dream

1/29/08 12:41 AM

I don't like being referred to as single. I was with the same woman for 22 years. Half my life. The days go by, and the pain gets worse, not better. The pain is so great, I feel like I am going to be consumed. I am paranoid; I feel like people are watching me, waiting for me to mess up. I'm so tired. Weeping, weeping, weeping. Be strong for the boys. Who will be strong for me? I am alone. No equal to hug and hold. Who will laugh at my stupid jokes? Playing handball against the ocean. Fear and terror. One day at a time? What about our dreams and hopes? Should I give those up, or try to build the life she would have wanted for us? We made decisions together; we'd bounce things off each other, listen to each other, hear something from the one that the other hadn't thought of. Me alone? Everything could blow sky high.

Kim, tell me those books again? I am so lost. I'm so tired. So tired. And tortured. Haunted. Full of fear and regret. So much regret. Killing me from the inside. 4 hours not enough sleep. What happened? Where's my wife? Why Lord did she have to go? Why didn't you take me instead of my sweetie? I would trade my soul for her life. How ca n I go forward. Forgiveness. Penance. Atonement. These things elude me. Peace is a dream. Endless tears. Pure anguish. Suffer suffer suffer. Sleep only delays the pain. Free me from this.



2/27/08 12:45 AM

I wish I could say I was doing better. I feel dead inside. I have no more dreams, no more hopes. My life is over. I live only for my sons. I'm like a robot. Get home by 3. Obey primary programming.

Not enough time to sleep or eat. Got some freelance work, but have to fight with Ramiro for the computer. Then gotta cook, clean, laundry, go to appointments, shop get what they need come home do homework cook feed them get to bed. Have no time for laundry. Have no time for me.

Everything that used to make me laugh now makes me cry. It hurts to smile. Sometimes I want to die. I know, the boys. I want to laugh again, I want to live again, I want to love again! We had a wonderful sex life. I don't want to shut down!

So tired. So lonely!



2/27/08 6:08 PM

I am so fucking lonely, I am going nuts!

There, I said it! I'm tired of trying to be strong. I'm exhausted. I can't keep up this pace. I'm tired of being admired and told I'm doing a good job under the circumstances. I miss her kisses. I ache for her hugs. I scream for her smiles. I long for her scent. I feel like I'm in solitary confinement. No equal to talk to, no companion to debate with, no lover to share intimacy with. I'm dyin' over here. Trying to hold it together is like trying to hug an inflatable raft to keep it from expanding. I see nothing. I feel dead inside, slowly. Terrible loneliness. I know Kim, read the books. Sorry to let ya down, but even Superman had Kryptonite.

I started therapy last week. Everything that used to make me laugh makes me cry. Everything that made her laugh makes me cry more. I loved her so deeply. My angel. God, you did it for Job. Do it for me.

So tired; can't sleep. So hungry; can't eat. This is some ride.